Grief

Grief is a funny thing. When we think of grief, we automatically think of grieving the death of a loved one. However grief is a multi-faceted thing, and we can grieve so much more than just death.

I learned this in recent months. I grieved the life I lived in Canada when I returned to the UK, I grieved the friendships that had deteriorated, I grieved the happiness I once felt when I was going through depression, and so so much more in the last 18 months. So much of this was unexpected, and it is only now I realize and accept that this was grief. In the midst of my depression I didn’t understand these feelings, I just felt suffocated by sadness. Now I understand what this was, I can recognize that one of the reasons I struggled to get through this phase is because I didn’t sit in it and process it. 

It’s funny, because grief is such a heavy emotion which we all want to escape and avoid, and yet the only way to be free of it is to go through it. And that shit is HARD. Especially when it creeps up on us so unexpectedly.

I for one never thought I would be grieving Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. As someone who doesn’t necessarily love the monarchy given its bloodied history, I’d be more than happy to see the institution dissolved. However I, like many it seems, had a soft spot for The Queen, and upon the news of her passing yesterday I wept along with millions across the globe. She represented so much more than the monarchy to me, she represented a figurehead, an inspiring, powerful woman who proved to me that it was possible for women to stand above the shoulders of the white upper class men this country loves and favours so highly. More than that, she was all I have ever known, she is enshrined into our daily lives on our money, our stamps, our passports and much more. She’s been a constant in my life, a permanent reminder that women can be successful in male dominated fields, whether that be engineering (my chosen field) or the monarchy (obviously not my chosen field 🤣), and now I grieve not only for her, but for the country as we know it.

The future of this country terrifies me, and without the UKs nana at the helm, I’m now even more scared. The world feels very heavy today, and for those who are struggling to name that feeling, it’s grief.